Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
×

:icondraganthemighty: More from DraganTheMighty




Details

Submitted on
March 21, 2013
File Size
1.2 KB
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
1,124 (4 today)
Favourites
81 (who?)
Comments
38
Downloads
0
×
21


Mass hypnosis! Hand of doom!
Global slavery! No tune!

Mass Hypnosis! Grand Illusion!
Global Slavery! Diffusion!

        \/\/\/

Social networks, all around,
on the streets, a muted crowd

Too much sex, we talk around,
but the kiss so hard to found

Beauty contests for the dogs!
Souls unborn, Our babies lost!

Plastic surgeries for grands!
Children raped by their dads!

Take your pill, It's what you need,
Take your pill and you will sleep.

Now get in! Into your cage!
And don't try to turn the page!

You can't live as you will,
a whistling up and stay still

There is nothing to decide,
It is only their side

Stop to talk! Don't even feel!
Did you pay every bill?

They're everywhere, They hear!
They're far, but so near!

        \/\/\/

Mass hypnosis! Hand of doom!
Global slavery! No tune!

Mass Hypnosis! Grand Illusion!
Global Slavery! Diffusion!
Add a Comment:
 
:iconjimmyroger:
Δυβατό!!!
Reply
:icondraganthemighty:
Ευχαριστώ.
Reply
:iconoliviathehealer:
Πλαστική για τη γιαγιά
και βιάστε τα παιδιά!!!            
Reply
:iconlimarieinred:
limarieinred Mar 2, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Moving and sad!  Well written!
Reply
:iconeyirokafou:
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reply
:icondraganthemighty:
Ευχαριστώ.
Reply
:iconeyirokafou:
Παρακαλώ
Reply
:iconmadhat11d6:
Hello there.

To be perfectly honest, I don't like reading this style of poetry (more on that later). But, objectively speaking, you've done a good job with the style and getting across your point. Talking about our over sexualized  rape society and how we're trapping ourselves by valuing beauty over other things without it turning into a very specific rant. I see what you're saying, but I think you could go one step further. 

Before I actually talk about there, there are a couple of small things about wording. The repetition of 'Mass hypnosis' and 'global slavery' is a bit awkward (not from beginning to end so much as in the two stanzas). Okay, this is slightly about going one step further, too. I think in the second stanza of those first and last chucked you should change your opening exclamations. We know about mass hypnosis and global slavery. Tell us more. 

I really like the third stanza. The flow of the fourth stanza is not quite resolved. Which is not working, in this case. Maybe instead of 'so hard to found' you could try 'so hard, not found'. Or something of the sort. The awkward working seems entirely for the sake of the rhyme. If the poem was filled with the same type of awkward wordings, it would feel purposeful and broken. More on that later.

There's nothing exactly wrong about 'beauty contests for the dogs' but you might get across a distaste if you said 'beauty contests, to the dogs!' but either works. By 'plastic surgery for grands', you you mean for a lot of money, or for rich people? Both? I like that line after reading it a few times. It took me a second. 'Children raped by their dads' feels a bit forced. Children are being raped, but in the direction you've taken the poem thus far it would be beneficial to get across the disgust of how society cares more about beauty than children being raped. Or something of the sort. I really like the stanza after that. 

'And don't try to turn the page' flows awkwardly. I think you can add another syllable here. Like 'do not try' or 'don't you try' or something like that. There is a similar weirdness in the next stanza. There aren't commas, so the flow wants to give each of those lines another syllable somewhere. 'It is only their side' also seems to be lacking a syllable.  

Okay. Going further. A couple of the things I said above connect to going further. But I have have some thoughts on the matter that you might want to consider. Glorifying beauty above all else and putting it in the spotlight to mask the horror is a possible sign of societal collapse. Anthropologically speaking. Like, plastic surgery was combined with pedophilia. And this can prove to be a very smart decision for the sake of this poem. Because the throw their money into plastic surgery instead of helping children in need because that's just where society has places it's value. This poem seems to be very much a 'face' poem. The kind that only has meaning if the reader gives it meaning. And that's fine. But a lot of people won't get what you're saying, and I think it's important to push the idea just a bit more. Also, this piece seems less like something someone should read, and more like something a group of people should read aloud, randomly shouting out lines and phrases in a deadpan. That would be way more impactful. hence, why I don't like reading this style. You miss a lot just reading it. 

That is all. (Belated critique from #PowerfulWriting 
Reply
Add a Comment: