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August 10, 2013
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A Colourful Night


He was there,
Rain didn't stop him,
Standing outside,
Looking at the cafe's door,
Thinking of her.

After hours of walking,
He was there,
At the same time,
Wondering
If She's inside.
He was thinking of her
All these nights.

He was there,
Rain didn't stop him,
Standing outside,
Looking at the cafe's door.
A car was strangely parked
In front of the door,
Like it was blocking the entrance,
Like a barrier he should overcome...

Her face was clear in his mind
And every time
He was thinking
Of that unique night,
His mind, his heart,
Everything around
Was filled with colours;

He was there,
Rain didn't stop him,
Standing outside,
Looking at the cafe's door,
Thinking of her,
Wondering
If he could live again
That night;

A Colourful Night.
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:iconpollutedpencil:
pollutedpencil Apr 10, 2014  New member Hobbyist General Artist
Beautiful poem about a beautiful mind. Great job!
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:icondraganthemighty:
Ευχαριστώ.
Reply
:iconshadow-boxer-bunny:
shadow-boxer-bunny Aug 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
what happened that night?  Sherlock Holmes
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:iconirishgirl217:
irishgirl217 Aug 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Aww. Cute and powerful. :heart: 
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:iconaustinossy:
Amazingly Powerful
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:icondraganthemighty:
More than 50 favs!!!!!
Thank you all!!!!!!
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:iconayeaye12:
AyeAye12 Aug 10, 2013  Student Writer
POSITIVE: I like the repetition in each stanza, that really builds up the scene and kinda enforces the idea that it's raining (the repetition of lines = the repetition of the sound of raindrops), while the irregular beats really chop the piece up as if it was rainfall. I like that.

NEGATIVE: I feel you're explaining too much, if that makes sense. As in, instead of showing me through imagery and euphemism things you're just telling me, which makes the read a lot less exciting. Also, it reads with a bit too much prose for me; there are a few things I'd suggest removing which would make the piece a lot smoother, like "cafe's door" to "cafe door", and "All these nights" could do without the "all". 

It's got good potential, but with some tweaking and streamlining it could be drastically improved.
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